Wednesday, May 25, 2011

One of those days

So, I am having "one of those days".  While Wyatt is doing really well, I am not sure that I am.  I said earlier that I would post my PPD blog, and I promise I will, but today, I am in a funk and I just need to talk. 

The sun is shining, and I am not sure that I feel "bad" just eeh.  We went to PT this morning and Wyatt did really well.  He is gaining more and more strength in his neck and can hold it for intermittent periods of time.  I spoke with the therapist, Tori, about the possibility of Wyatt having Moebius Syndrome.  Moebius is often related to Poland Syndrome.  While I will not get into this syndrome, suffice it to say that I have had this lingering fear for several months now.  I ran across this syndrome while doing more research on Poland Syndrome one day.  Wyatt has almost all of the characteristics.  While I don't think he has a severe case of it, I am almost certain he has is.  We will see the geneticist in a few weeks and I will hopefully have a determination one way or the other then.  I haven't talked to many people about the Moebius because I am not sure if Wyatt has it or not.  It's a much scarier syndrome than Poland and I don't want people thinking that my baby is pitiful, we have enough of that. 

Anyway, off of the Moebius.  So, the sun is shining and I don't feel particularly bad.  I got up this morning and took a shower.  A huge accomplishment for me.  Not that I am nasty, but if you know me, you know that I use to bathe twice a day.  I just don't have it in me most days.  So, when I do shower and get out of the house, I do feel better. 

After PT we came home and here we still are.  On a lighter note, I did get outside and take some pictures.  My neighbor has the prettiest flowers.  He takes such pride in them and I adore that about him.  I just wish I was a better photographer.  I, like many of my friends, adore taking photos.  My daddy was an amateur photographer when I was little.  We had a darkroom in our home for years.  I think I take a lot of my self criticism from him.  He was always so critical of his work, but he was so amazing.  I, on the other hand, am not.  I starting taking photos with my very first camera at the age of 8 or so.  I still have a photo that I took of my cousin and a friend of the family that I took at a family reunion when I was 10 or so.  I remember being so proud of that photo when my daddy told me I did a good job.  I love the art of photography and long to be better.  I have taken classes at a local photography store, but I didn't learn anything different than what I already know.  My problem is, I want the perfect photo, every time.  I want to point and click and get the perfect photo.  That, of course is not reality. 

Anyway, so today, I sat outside for a bit "shooting".  I do not own a software to enhance my photos.  You get what I shoot.  Occasionally I will lighten or darken the lighting from a program on my computer, that was not intended for work such as this.  It does ok, but it's not "professional".  So, when I shoot, you get what I shoot, for the most part.  Here are a few from my day.

I love the turn of his head.  I just hate that I was not closer to him or had a better shot of him through the fence.

I was afraid at first that this little guy was stuck in the fence.

So I went closer.

Indeed, he was not.  And he hopped away.

So, the following are of flowers and such.  They are not great, so I warn you!  By the way, there will be more blog after the photos so hang in there for me! 

Ok, that's it.

So, today we got rid of another nurse.  Mike and I have had issues with her for a time, but yesterday was it.  I caught her suctioning Wyatt way too deep.  Mind you, this has been an issue with her in the past and she has been "talked to" about it before.  Anyway, I screamed and threw a fit.  So, Mike called and told them not the send her back here.  There is seriously just too much that we have dealt with this woman and we were not about to deal with her anymore. 

But, I did get out today.  We went to Wyatt's appointment and it went well and I took Roscoe for a walk.  It was so nice.  The weather was a bit cooler and I needed it oh so badly.  It's really the little things lately. 

I got an e-mail from my dear Rachel, from the office.  I miss Rachel and miss the office more than anyone will ever know.  While I know my job here is MUCH more important than that one was, it breaks my heart to not be there.  Rachel e-mailed me to give me information about a case that I had worked on.  It was so incredible to hear about the case, but even sadder that I was not there to hear the news first hand.  I know this is going to sound so silly and childish, but a part of me is sad because I have been replaced.  I mean, I know that everyone is replaceable, but with everything I just thought that maybe, just maybe, I would be irreplaceable!  :)  But alas, I am.  We are all really.  But I miss it so.  I miss my daily talks with Jon, about silly stuff.  I miss talking hockey with Bill.  I miss Keith asking me some silly question about pop culture, because I have too much useless knowledge of it.  I miss greeting Kimmy good morning.  I miss the sometimes silly conversations we had at lunch.  I miss it all so very much.  It made me feel useful. 

But, more importantly.  It amazes me how God puts people on the hearts of others when they need it.  I received the most amazing e-mails from not one, but two incredible friends and an hour and 20 minute telephone call from by best friend..  Angie's e-mail came when I was starting to feel that dark feeling.  The feeling where all I want to do is sit on the couch, under covers, and not think about anything, because thinking hurts.  Her e-mail was so uplifting and heartfelt.  It made my heart smile.  Then, I got a loving e-mail from Andrea.  Not only did she share her Pamper Points with me, but she shared a personal story.  Its so incredible to have these women in my life that I can get such amazing support from, from hundreds of miles away.  It's still oh so hard to deal with these things, but knowing that there are still people praying for us and thinking of us, makes my heart full.  I love you girls.  You really helped make my day.

My telephone call from Mel was much overdue.  It was one of those that you just talk and talk and talk and feel as though you could talk for 7 days straight and still not talk enough.  It is always so incredible to talk to your best friend.  We laughed and shed some tears too.  It's just what the soul needs sometimes. 

To top my day off, I downloaded some new music.  Music always makes everything ok.  Thank God for 69 cent songs on iTunes too!!

While I feel as though I could go on for days, I am going to end for today.  There are tornado warnings and I think I should go to "my safe place".  Dear God be with us!

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