Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Do you think it strange?

When I was pregnant with Wyatt, I remember thinking of him growing up.  I remember wondering what sports or other activities he would become a part of.  I recall thinking about what his future significant other would be like and if I would ever become a grandmother. 

It's strange the paths our lives take us.  I now no longer ponder these things.  I now wonder when we will be able to take a bath in the tub.  I wonder when he will be able to go the mall in the winter time, without worrying about catching something that could put us in the hospital.  I wonder when we can go on a trip, just the three of us, without someone having to stay up all night to watch his sats and be vigilant in case his vent goes off.  I wonder when I will ever hear him speak the words "mommy" or "I love you".   

At one time, I wondered if we would ever come home from the hospital.  During that time, I think that my mind stopped allowing me to think about the future.  I still wonder about things in the future, but I have come to realize that each day is more important that the last.  I acknowledge how precious time is.  I cherish every single hug.  I find myself holding him and simply inhaling his scent.  I love that smell.  Even when he has the sweaty little boy smell.  I adore it.  I long for it sometimes.

We are at a place in our lives when we have begun to experience "normal" childhood experiences.  Behavioral issues, while nearly non-existent, are at the forefront.  We are raising a very strong willed, hard headed little boy.  I know that these traits have gotten us to where we are today.  However, I don't want to raise a child who refuses to listen and demands to get his way.  It's a balancing act of trying to discipline the best way we deem fit, while working with nurses who put their two cents in, all of the time.  This may seem strange to hear, but I love these times.  I love knowing that each temper tantrum is totally normal.  It's a normal two year old event.  It's so nice to have talks with my husband that include what time he went to bed or what time he woke up, as opposed to how low his sats have been or whether we had to bag him.

I still have big dreams and wishes for Wyatt.  I want him to be happy in life.  I want him to feel fulfilled.  I want him to be able to have no regrets.  I wish him more love than his heart and hand can hold.  I pray that whatever he dreams, he has the conviction to fulfill.  And I hope that at the end of my life, I am able to look back and smile and know that I have fulfilled my purpose.  Being the mother that Wyatt deserves. 

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