So today was the big day. To just jump in and tell you where we are would be unfair to you, my reader. Therefore, I would like to start with my evening prior to surgery.
I know that I am skipping several days and I want to apologize. As you can imagine, it has been a very emotional time. However, there is nothing that I have gone through emotionally, that I have not shared previously. No new emotions that I have dealt with. I feel like you are well versed in my roller coaster of emotions already. However, I will say that Wyatt has been getting better. This has been difficult because I had hoped that the trach would not be necessary. But, in the end, the trach was what was needed. Right now, I feel good about our decision, but I will let our story unveil itself.
I will start by saying that earlier this week we were moved from the red pod to the green pod. I kinda threw a fit. It's really hard living in the hospital. I told them that because of this, when we get attached to a room, it's like you put roots down. And then when you move, it's like you are completely uprooted and it's hard to readjust. However, after I threw said fit, I went to my new bathroom. Can you believe it was clean? It's amazing, I know, but it is. No bodily fluids on the floor! It's a Christmas miracle I tell ya!
Last night I was restless. Wyatt and I rocked for a long time. But, when he had been asleep for quite some time in my arms, I laid him down in hopes of getting sleep myself.
I laid down about 11:30 and was soon asleep. Now, let me say that in all of my 56 (give or take) nights spent here, I have never had a bad dream. Typically, I am a dreamer of only pleasant dreams. It's pretty unusual for me to have a negative dream. Needless to say, last night broke that record. In my dream, I was laying in my makeshift chair-bed. Yes, it was one of those dreams where you dream you are awake. So, in my dream I remember thinking, it's so sad to me that so many children have died here. It was seriously breaking my heart. Just then, I looked down the hallway and saw Michael Jackson walking toward me. Ok, you can stop laughing now. It was Michael Jackson, seriously (make sure to stay tuned to see how this comes into play later). But in my dream, it was his ghost. Oh, and I knew it was him because he had on the black hat that he wore in the 80's, back when he still had some of his original nose left. Anyway, back to this dream. So, after I saw his ghost, I heard Wyatt being fussy so I got up. I'm still dreaming mind you. As I was rocking his crib, I looked behind it to my makeshift bed, only to see a ghost throwing my blankets around. Freaked out, I started screaming at it. In the end, I woke myself up whining. I was mortified. I looked at the clock and it was 12:15. I went down the hall to the potty and back to attempt sleep.
I went back to sleep, dreamless this time. However, about 4 I heard respiratory giving Wyatt his treatment and I woke up. Knowing what this day would hold, I prepared to be up for the day, a cup of coffee later and I was good to go. Wyatt was awake so we talked. It's pretty amazing talking to my boy. It's like he honestly understands every word I say. His eyes are the most incredible creation on Gods earth. Honestly, when you talk to him, he meets your gaze and holds it until you break it. Rarely is he the one to break it. Around 5:30 I decided I wanted to hold him, knowing that it would be days before I was able to again. We rocked for a long while. All of the doctors did their rounds, all the while I held my angel. At shift change, our new nurse needed to do his assessment and my tail was asleep so I put the boy back. We were told surgery would be at 10:15. After the nurses assessment I was a little emotional. For some reason, I still feel the need to apologize to Wyatt. I feel like for some reason that all of this is my fault. Or maybe it's because I can't do anything to fix it. I stroked his sweet neck again. I drank in his cry. I wanted that cry to be in my soul. I wanted it to marry into me so that I would never forget his sound, even if it were gone for a day I wanted it to be burned into my soul, never to forget. Anyway, my emotions we contained after only about 10 minutes, which all in all is pretty good for me. Around 9 the nurses came to get our guy. They were ready for him early (which in hospital standards is totally unheard of). Mike and I went down with him. All morning, for the most part, I had felt at peace with things, which I had asked for in prayer. I could do this. We gave hugs and kisses and Mama stayed strong. I mean, don't get me wrong, it was crazy hard knowing that this was a huge turning point in all of our lives, but I did really well, considering.
Mike got our breakfast and we waited. They called about 30 minutes in to let us know that they were finished with the scope and they had just started the trachtrach would be removed. What wonderful news.
Wyatt was taken straight back to his room. However, knowing how things work around here, we took our time in the Friendship Shop downstairs. My mom had previously purchased a stuffed Woodstock (from Snoopy) toy for Wyatt that he loves. They also have Charlie Brown and Mike really wanted Wyatt to have the pair. So we spent time shopping and basically waiting for them to get him resituated. It felt nice to have a weight off of my shoulders.
Now for the strange part. We came back upstairs to go back to his room. When you get to any given floor there are pods. Each pod has it's own key pad to get in visitors, parents and anyone else who isn't an employee must buzz the front desk to get permission to enter. While waiting to be buzzed in we overheard a family asking where their child was. The lady at the desk couldn't hear what the name of the child was and I overheard he say "what is the name"? To which the family replied "Jackson. Michael Jackson." I bet you think I am making this stuff up. I promise to all that his holy I am not. Ask my mother. I had told her the story an hour earlier and we laughed because I had a dream about Michael Jackson. As soon as she heard the name of the patient, she looked at me in disbelief. It was crazy.
When we got the Wyatt's room, I had a hard time seeing him with the trach. It was an initial shock I think. But, after a few minutes, I was totally ok with it. I was able to see his beautiful face again. And, it was especially nice to see that he was not paralyzed. It was my baby again, well almost.
Lots of doctors came in and out. And along the way, we lost my mom. She couldn't take the bells and alarms going off and went back to our house. I think it was for the best for all involved! :) About 1 or so I had to sleep. So, I laid down in the chair. Mike joined me, kinda (he propped himself up on the chair). I was awake and I heard someone talking. I looked over and saw sweet Beth and Aaron Allison. What a wonderful surprise. We were blessed so blessed to have them here to pray with us. They are so special to me. We had such a wonderful visit. At this point, Wyatt was doing incredible. And when I say incredible, I mean incredible. He was awake and looking around, kicking his legs, but didn't act at all in distress or pain. After they left, Mike and I went to grab a late lunch at Calhoun's.
So, I am going to stop telling our story for just a minute to share a seriously hysterical happening during our visit to Calhoun's. And I promise, I am NOT making any part of this up. Nor am I exaggerating even an ounce of it. It was seriously that good! So, while Mike and I were waiting for our lunch, a college aged girl was seated just behind me. I could hear her on her cell phone. When the waiter went to take her drink order, I heard her end her call. And I promise, even thought it sounds like I was eavesdropping, I wasn't. I heard the waiter and the girl talking, but wasn't listening. I then heard her say that she didn't eat beef because she felt bad for the cow. She then went on to say that she didn't drink milk either because she felt bad for the cow's utters. I swear she did. The waiter then asked her if she was a vegetarian or vegan and she said no she just felt bad for the cow. So our lunch came and Mike and I ate. The waiter went back to the girl as he chit chatted with her about what she wanted to eat. And I swear to goodness I heard her order a steak! NO JOKE!! At this point, I was hysterical. I still wonder if she knows that steak comes from a cow.
So back to our day. When Mike and I got back from lunch (and West End traffic at 4:30) Wyatt was doing great. He looked great and he was really happy. As the afternoon went on, he kicked more and more. Not an "I'm hurting" kick, but a "I want to play" kick. He's pretty notorious for it. So, the nurse obtained an order to give him more meds. Didn't help. So she got another order. Didn't help. She asked for his Versed back on drip. Didn't help. She finally had to call the doctor and ask for an upped dose. Now mind you, he had received like 3 doses of Adivan, not to mention his Methadone and now he was on an upped dose of Versed on drip. This should put an elephant down. He was still kicking. Now mind you, in no way did anyone think he was in pain. He seemed totally and completely happy. However, we did worry that he was turning his head too much, thus the medication increase. The doctor ended up giving him an additional dose of versed just to calm him enough to sleep. And sleep he did. Actually, until about 30 minutes ago, he was still asleep. Now he is awake and kicking, but not moving his head. So we can live with this.
I can see how much better he is breathing and how much better he seems to feel. The doctors even pointed it out. It's pretty remarkable. It is this alone that has shown me that I have made the right decision. It's hard to know sometimes that we make the right decisions in times such as these. It's even harder when these decisions are made in the best interest for your children. And harder even still when something goes wrong and you feel totally responsible. In the end, I do feel as though we made the right decision for our boy. All of the hard decisions in this I feel were the right ones. I know that what we have been enduring is preparing us for great things. I know that my boy will go on to be something great. And even if he doesn't that's ok too. I don't need him to be great in the eyes of others because in my eyes, he is the greatest.