Monday, March 21, 2011

My spirit is broken

I don't know how else to describe it.  I feel broken like I have never felt broken before.  I suppose the trach shouldn't have hit me as hard as it has.  I knew that it was coming.  The doctors have warned it now for weeks.  But, I had faith in miracles.  Faith that it would all be ok.  But now, as I sit here, I come to grips with reality.  The reality that what I want and what God has in store for us are not one in the same.  And all of the praying in the world will not change that.  I try to have faith that God will provide, but my spirit is weak.  It hurts.  I spoke with the doctors a bit this evening, allowing my emotions to get the best of me.  I told both Dr. Lovvorn and Dr. Goudy that this was a grieving process for me.  Tomorrow I may be a brand new person with a whole new outlook, but today, I grieve.  I told them that I feel as though I am grieving the death of a child so that I can prepare for the birth of another one.  I don't mean this literally, but it's the best way I can describe it.  I feel like the child I brought in here will not be the child I take home.  We will have new challenges in our day to day life.  However, it is not the the day to day challenges that bother me.  I know that I will be able to take care of Wyatt the way he needs to be taken care of.  I know that I will be able to tend to his medical needs the way he needs.  I know that I will be able to love him as if this surgery were not imminent.  It's the little things I spoke of earlier that I morn for.  I morn for his laugh, his cry and his babble.  I morn for the innocence that will be taken from him.  No one should have to endure such a hardship.  No one should have to endure such pain.  I am trying so very hard to hold to my faith strong in this time.  But, it's hard.  Please do not judge me for my waiver as the term waiver is not accurate to how I feel.  Please do not tell me how I am wrong for I do not know how else to explain how I am feeling.   I don't question God himself or his existence; for this I know to be true.  I question why my child.  Why is this fate upon my boy?  Why, when I have prayed so very hard, are we facing these battles?  I came humbly to you Lord.  I have cried at your feet, on my knees, asking for your healing hand.  Lord, I feel broken.  Lift me Lord.  Hold me because I cannot hold myself any longer.  Please, help me to see the grand things you have in store for Wyatt.  Please Lord, help me to know that this is temporary and in the end we will all be much stronger people because of it.  Please help me to see these things, for right now, I feel lost in so many ways. 

I do not know when this surgery will be or have any additional information.  Mike and I meet with both Dr. Lovvorn and Dr. Goudy in the morning.  We will have a chance to ask questions as well as get information on the risks and benefits.  But right now, I grieve.  I grieve for my baby. 

1 comment:

  1. Amanda it's ok to feel everything you are feeling right now. Been there. But u have to know like I've told u before that everyone will lift your entire family up for u. I love you.