Saturday, April 2, 2011

Day 61, possibly

I began this morning exhausted. Wyatt has a leak in his trach (which is apparently a good thing) so his vent went off all night. And when I say all night, I mean it. Restful sleep is a thing of the past. My boy rested well, but I didn't. And, of course, a sleep room is totally out of the question. Since the trach was put in, he has been sedated. Oddly enough, it took a few days to ensure this. Because he was intubated for so long previously and on drips because of this, he built up quite some tolerance to these meds. At times it's almost comical. It's as if he says, "that's all you've got." They have a happy place right now, but he does start to stir when it's time for his some of his meds.

They will change his tach tomorrow for the first time. This milestone will come with lots of new "stuff". I will be able to hold him again which will be wonderful. I miss cuddle time. He will be able to be weaned off of his sedation. Poor kid. I seriously joke that he is under so much sedation that it would put an elephant down. He's quite the little fighter, this boy. Most of his little life has been here, in the hospital. But, he keeps fighting, thank God. I like to affectionately refer to him as Rocky. A fitting reference for my blonde Italian baby.

So, I wanted to let you know that I assume that baby Ashton is still here. We moved pods from where he was so I wasn't sure whether or not he was still here. However, last night when Mike and I went down to eat, I saw his mom and dad. Please keep these people in your thoughts and prayers.

The hospital proves for some great people watching. And obviously, I have more than enough time for this. I understand that this is one of the best hospitals. With that being said, I also understand that there are lots of people from from lots of areas who have children here. I think this may also be one of the reasons that the bathrooms are so disgusting. Anyhoo, it amazes me how people leave their homes thinking they look presentable. Now, I know that sitting in a hospital for days on end takes it's toll on people. I know this first hand. There are days that I go out of this room and then look in the mirror with disgust. But I have seen people who walk outside in their house shoes. And while that may be ok at home, it isn't ok in a public space such as this people! Oh, and I have seen more "cracks" (if you get my drift) than I have seen in my life. Belts are in this world for a reason folks! It's like I am in a parallel universe ruled by plumbers!

I'm trying very hard to keep this blog very light today. Yesterday was not a good day for me. I feel as though depression is setting in, hard. It's the why me's that are taking over my mind lately. I can't take my child home feeling like this. While I know that medication is a possibility, I am trying so very hard to just get over everything I am feeling. It's hard though. And unless you have been here, you just don't understand. People constantly telling me to take care of myself. I know that people mean well, but the truth of the matter is, I know what I need to do, but I won't do anything to change it. I must be here with my son. I can't stand the thoughts of not being here. And, when we go home, I know that it will be a million times worse. I anticipate the lack of sleep to be terrible. And I have so much fear. It consumes me at times. More than anything I fear that I am becoming hardened due to all of this. I have always prided myself in being jovial and relatively upbeat. But this experience has left me jaded and hard. It's very difficult for me to look at someone who has a child with a runny nose and be sympathetic. That's so terrible for me to feel that way, but it's true. I want to feel sorry for you, but reality is that if you spent just one hour in my shoes, you would understand where I come from.

On top of everything that I have been going through, I had to quit my job today. I feel as though it had been inevitable, but something I didn't want to face. The people at Ogletree have been amazing. Not only were they my co-workers, but they were my friends. I enjoyed my job and took pride in what I did. I worked with lots of great people, but I worked for two incredible men. Jon and Bill taught me so very much about the legal world. They shared case information with me and asked my opinion on things. Always eager to learn, these simple acts gave me so much self reassurance. They will never know how much they truly touched my life. It was not only for these reasons that I was heavy hearted to leave, but also for my sense of me. I mean, think about it. When you meet someone, they always ask you what you do. For a very long time, nearly 10 years, my answer was legal secretary. Now, I don't have that. Please know that I feel as though my job as Wyatt’s mom is much more important and meaningful. However, you must understand that I have been working since I was 15 years old. Not out of necessity, but out of want. I always took great pride in knowing that the shoes I wore, I worked for. That the bed I slept on, I worked for. It’s such an amazing sense of independence for me. Knowing that if I wanted something, I could purchase it and know that the money I used I worked for. It makes me feel proud. Now, I will have to depend on Mike. Not that I feel shame in this at all. Mike is an amazing man who I am so thankful for. However, it kills me to feel as though I must depend on him. I’ve always wanted to be a stay at home mom, but standing here, in it, I am so scared. I don’t want to lose myself. I don’t want to lose who I am and it hurts to think that my job gave me that. But, it’s time to put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

I'll stop my self loathing for now. It's just been a bad week for me.

To get back on a lighter note, I want to talk about the VCH lingo. It seems that doctors and nurses alike use the term "so" in every sentence they speak. Don't get me wrong, I too am guilty for overusing this term, especially when blogging. However, when I ask a question as to the reason for treatment or medication or whatever my question may be, it always, ALWAYS begins with "so...". I don't know if it's a generational thing, but it is getting on my nerves people.

My mommy has been here for two weeks. And while she has made me nervous at times, I am oh so thankful for her. You see, when the alarms go off for Wyatt, regardless of their reason, she gets nervous. And, if you know my Meme, she obviously took this trait after her. For some reason, I feel the need to comfort her when she becomes nervous. However, I am so thankful that she has been here, to keep me company and to cook for me. She has brought me good home cooked lunches. It's been so nice for a change from crappy Taco Bell and Pizza Hut. It's amazing how quickly you can get tired of stuff like that.

Last weekend Melanie and Rain came to visit. They will never know how much I appreciate their coming. It was nice to laugh again. Of course I went home for my Saturday night in my own bed. Sunday we went to breakfast at Noshville (I'm in love with their pancakes) and then went to the Nashville flea market. The Nashville flea market in and of itself makes me happy. Oh and I was able to find a new lunchbox for my collection. Yes, I collect lunchboxes. Mainly metal ones but particurarly ones I grew up with. I started my collection with Annie, which was actually a lunchbox I had as a child (and my favorite movie as a kid). I have about 20 ranging from The Dark Crystal, Gremlins, Ronald McDonald, Strawberry Shortcake, Holly Hobby to The Muppets, Barbie, Roger Rabbit and my newest addition, Popples. My addiction has even rubbed off on my daddy who recently acquired The Lone Ranger for my collection, complete with thermos. Mike has gotten on my bandwagon with Ewoks. So far it's been a relatively inexpensive collection with the most expensive being $25. However, I still long for the elusive Hee Haw lunchbox which I have never seen for less than $50. If you know me, you know I will never spend this on a lunchbox, so I will continue my search to find it at bargain prices! Anyway, back on my original topic, Melanie and Rain will never know how much it meant to me that they came to see us.

I will end this post as I feel I have gone on about nothing in particular. But, sometimes it's nice to just talk. Most of my days are spent talking to doctors, nurses and a 4 month old. And, if you know me, you know I have a story for everything and can talk for hours, so it's in everyone's best interest if I just stop while I'm ahead.

Things I am thankful for (yes, it's back).


Best friends who bring goodie bags full of necessities.

Pee Wee Herman on Hub on a Friday night.

iTunes and audio books.


  1. Amanda I somewhat understand how u feel. I Remember when Shad was on the Vent and very sick, I didn't want people to be happy or anything. After he passed away I was for sure that I would just go in a hole and pull the dirt in right behind me. I turned to Alcohol and Drugs and Food to make myself numb. I quit my job and felt so guilty about not being able to contribute to our expenses but I promise that your full time job now will mean more to you than any paying job you could ever have. Your purpose now in life is your precious gift from God, Wyatt. That's an awesome gift. This feeling you have is just a part of grieving the situation with Wyatt. Everything will be fine and you will be the perfect mother to Wyatt because it is just a God thing. I love you and think and pray for u daily. Hang in there.

  2. Dearest Superwoman,
    You amaze me. Wyatt is so awesomely blessed to have you as a mother. Amanda, you are his mommy for a reason. I fully believe your lil italian boy gets his fighter instincts from his momma. You are his rock.
    Maybe right now you don't know what path (professionally) God will direct you in, but it will be great. Who knows, maybe you will get back into photography. Photographing families w/ special needs children or in the hospital. You are smart, creative, talented and STRONG. And I have faith that even though you may no longer work as a legal secretary that God has big things in store for you and for Wyatt.
    I love you so much! We are coming to visit in May! :) Lea & I are so excited! LUV U more than spicy ranch!!!!!!!!!!!!